Tag Archives: golf

Planning a mid-life crisis

So I’ve just had my birthday and I realise that I don’t have a mid-life crisis planned.

After tweeting with friends about mid-life crisis’ I figure that a proper mid-life crisis must fulfil several criteria.

If you make a change at mid-life that works for you, then it’s just a change of life, an improvement that could have happened at any time you decided to try it – but for a mid-life crisis, it must be futile, ill thought out, a desperate grab at a lost youth and go some way to alienating you from others…. and generally be a short lived project before you return to what’s salvageable of youR life after the crisis is over…

With this in mind, the list was narrowed down into viable (even classic) mid-life crisis’.

Buying a motorbike.

The whole deal, along with all of the tight leathers (extra points for tassels). It would have to be the biggest, most bejewelled and outrageous Harley custom (or similar) or a razors edge race bike with lots of Z’s and X’s in the name – and possibly ending with the initials ‘TT’.

This would only be ridden during sunny days and garaged the rest of the time – under a custom-made cover. All the extras would be purchased for it, the chrome bits, the carbon bits, the sporty loud exhausts.

It would probably last a couple of years and then the iron horse would become a shelf for jars of nails, coat rack, old paint tins etc…

The kit car.

This is similar to the motorbike – although you never get to take it out of the garage. You get half way into the build… or maybe even just far enough to lean some wheels against the body shell to see what it will look like… and then your lose interest.

The engine will sit in the corner of the garage, the expensive tool box will sit full of unused tools, the carbs will sit on the work bench you made especially for the project.

The main body will sit for a few years in the garage before it moves into the back garden and rests under a fading tarpaulin. The larger spare parts will become one with the garden plants.

 

Ponytail.

Nuff said. If you already had one, fair enough… but growing one does not make you Peter Pan.

 

Form a band.

Remember at school when you and your mates said “let’s form a band!” and then spent the next few weeks figuring out a name, have a rehearsal or two… maybe play an assembly… and then realise how it wasn’t such a cool idea after all…?

Well 30 years later it suddenly comes back to you! Sure, this is a great idea! You’ve always had a guitar knocking around the place, and sure you play it competently (whilst sporting the ponytail, of course), so why wouldn’t you get together with a few other delusional mid-lifers to form a bad. Somehow you just know that the world needs more mediocre middle-aged cover bands to play at dodgy pubs and village fetes and carnivals (if you can reach those heady heights).

That being said, there are some bloody good bands out there that started this way. ‘Some’ being the key word. If it lasts longer than 12 months, then it is no longer just a mid-life crisis!

Xtreme sport.

Nothing helps recapture your youth like an injury from an extreme sport (this can mean ‘jogging’ in some people’s cases). Usually it involves tripping over your ski’s whilst trying them on in your bedroom, but you can tell everyone at the pub that you did it on a black run trying to save this kid who was showing off…. ah yeah, these kids!

Fair play to you if you take something up for the right reasons – after all, you reach an age and you need to take up some extra exercise to keep yourself in shape – but Super-X moto racing, skydiving, surfing, street luge…. these are not sports that you just go into halfway through your life…. Try tennis or badminton… or the typical ones of golf or squash.

 

Dress young, go clubbing.

Remember as a kid how you used to laugh at the guy who was as old as your dad and was well embarrassing coz’ he tried to speak cool like the kids and he dressed like he thought the kids dressed… which inevitably meant he looked like The Fonz… with a beer belly…. or a Ibiza DJ in Day-Glo shirt… with a beer belly… Well, that’s you now…. Don’t do it.

Whatever you do, if you do go down this route…. don’t then try to ice the cake by then going clubbing. It makes the whole sad package a whole lot sadder….

 

Buy a Porsche.

Yup…. nothing says ‘recaptured youth‘ like a ponytail flapping in the wind behind a balding head in a soft top Porsche…

 

Have an affair.

Getting a much younger girl on your arm (and more) is a fail-safe, 100% fool-proof way to recapture that feeling of youth that is slipping through your insecure fingers.

Hang on, what I meant was ‘having an affair is the fastest way to lose all the things you have managed to get up to this point in time, and piss the lot away, ending up with nothing more than even more regrets and the disrespect from your friends. You prick.

 

Have a break down.

If you don’t have the cash to spend on ill-fated hobbies, sports, tarts, dodgy haircuts etc, then you could just go for despair. Yes, life is slipping through your fingers, so let your stress build up and then strip naked in the middle of a shopping centre in rush hour and run around laughing. For added effect, cover yourself with your own filth.


It’ll get it out of your system quickly, probably won’t lose you as many friends as some of the things already listed above – and it may even get you some paid sick leave off of work so you can have even more time to reflect on how it’s all slipping away and you haven’t done anything with your life and …and… where’s that kit car magazine?

Don’t go too far though. Running around killing people isn’t going to help matters. Much like the running around covered in your own filth will only earn you more time to think about a wasted life, a prison sentence is going to give you WAY more of that time to regret your lost youth.

 

Actually…..

A lot of mid-life crisis moves are simply either redoing what you already did at school to be cool, but gave up on when you realised it wasn’t really cool…. or being financially able to do the things that you thought were cool at school, but didn’t have the cash to do them back then.

In these latter cases the idea never actually died…. it sat in your head for the next 30 years… and because it has always been in your head, waiting, it suddenly seems like a good idea as it fights for freedom in your middle-aged head…. It’s not…


Things can only get better…

Do you remember the heady delights of my recent past ? I certainly do. Such memories!

Things slowly levelled out once I got my new job. After ending up with all cards, accounts and overdrafts maxed whilst trying to keep our heads above the water line I thought things were finally working out….

Sure, we’re living one month to the next whilst getting back on our feet, but we are in a position where we (thought) we could see light at the end of the tunnel – Oh how I laugh!

You see, the Almighty (must be one, because blind bad luck just isn’t this constructive) took me saying “At least it can’t get any worse…” as a challenge. As per usual, the Omnipotent one has been playing with a marked deck….

I got a trip to America recently with the new company – It was business, but so cool too! A new experience for me. On the weekend of my return some numpty idiot driver decided to try and drive through a solid object… that object being my wife and Alex in Bernie  (The Berlingo….. not my idea…).

That wrote the car off, so we had to get another car…. bear in mind we live from month to month with no spare cash…..

During the time the claim was being investigated we were supplied a courtesy car – a rather lovely Golf TDi… We were told that once the claim was settled we would have the car for 8 days after receiving the money so we had time to buy a new car… 8 days… that’s a bit of a push!

The Golf TDi... I want one!

The Golf TDi... I want one!

After the fuss of claiming for the car crash (the other party admitted it all) we finally had the cheque sent to us… BUT we were then told that the courtesy car had to go back 8 days after the claim was settled…. which means settled – post cheque – 3 days -, clear cheque – 5 days, have money to buy car… 8 days after settling… HANG ON… that’s the day we give the courtesy car back! We have just one day to buy a car!

I dropped Chris at work last weekend and my Mother in Law came up to help look after Alex as we toured car lots looking for cars. I didn’t want to go private as I only had enough money for a deposit until the cheque cleared, and I also wanted some warranty – so trade sales were the way forward.

As I only had the day to buy a car, I decided to look for 2 types of car. A long distance car for me, or a town car for Chris. We need two cars, so at least if I could get one of those I’d be in a better position – and it gave me double the options on my 1 day shopping trip…

The first car I looked at was okay… the place it was being sold from was okay…. and then we checked out a list of other cars throughout the whole day…..

Each new place had a dodgier car and dodgier sales people…. it was futile! We ended up at some guys house. He had three cars in various states of dirt, grime and rust… and a big old scar on his face…. he seemed honest enough, I’ll give him that, but I just didn’t feel this was right… not from his driveway instead of a sales lot!

A Cowboy yesterday

A Cowboy about to sell a car yesterday

So the day ended with me planning to go back to that very first car… much like a lady going shoe shopping….. Spend all day and then choose shoe number 1….

All the places had shut, so I would have to go back to car number one the following day. All that was left to do was to pick Chris up from work.

On the way back from her work I decided to take a 2 minute detour to pass a place I knew from years ago – a place I had bought a car from before….

YES!!! You are right!!! There wasn’t one available.

We drove off……

… only to find Farnham Carriage Company on the same road… a place I didn’t know existed…a supermarket car park sized lot full of cars!!!

It was closed, but unlocked so we took a walk around. Nothing…. until we realised the cars carried on around the corner of the lot and into the distance… and still nothing…. until we saw a small purple Ford Fiesta…..

57,000 miles on the clock. Spotless interior. All original. Engine bay was spotless – even the fabric wadding under the bonnet was in mint condition! All that for £995…..

I called the guy and said I’d be back….

We pick “Filbert” up tomorrow….

“Hurrah!” I hear you cry! Things are working out for you! A random chance at a random place and you spot a car! Bravo….

Yes… you’d be right to think that…. but the wise would think that this must just be a part of a greater plan to set me up for a fall… Offer me a chair and then whip it away as I sit down…

Thursday night We settle down to go to bed. I have the Doctors the next day as I have a really bad ear ache (5 days, getting worse… lots of pain – silly to go to work as I was dizzy and really not thinking straight – but I work through stuff that isn’t contagious.. if I can).

At 1.30am Chris notices the bed is wet… and it isn’t either of us (yet) or the mental pussy cat that sleeps at that spot…… a glance at the ceiling shows it bulging down a good 4 inches… dripping away….

Trouble - The Mental Pussy Tat - (Blergh)

"Trouble" - The Mental Puddy Tat

OH CARP!!!

I quickly go into the loft (for the first time in ages) and see sodden wood frames and a dripping ball cock valve… I quickly wrap tape tightly around the valve to stem he drip… but really… this little drip is nothing…. it’s the time it has been dripping that was the problem…

Chris calls out that she needs to change buckets (as she was on bucket duty in the bedroom… drip catching). She says severla leaks have started… it only takes a slight touch and another leak appears…. the ceiling is on the very edge of letting go…

I run to Alex’s room, tip all of his toys from a huge toy bucket (half a bath size.. lots of noise, yet he carried on snoring!) and put it under the massed holes. Chris held it as I went rapidly stabbing the lowest part of the bulge…

A good 15 Gallons of dirty, fibre glass, wood, nails and plaster brown stinking water rushed out of the golf ball sized hole….

Further inspection in the loft showed that it was a matter of seconds before the ceiling would have collapsed… the whole panel was sodden and pulp.

Swollen Wood

I shut the water off outside (we didn’t have a tool at first…. then realised that last year the shut off was changed to a modern unti that can be done by hand….). Flushed the toilet, let taps run… released as much weight and water from the loft as possible.

Chris called up the Lloyds TSB Premier customer hotline as we have emergency cover with them….. they couldn’t get a guy out until 8am!!! NICE! That’s emergency for you….

I felt rubbish. It was 3.30am, I was coughing due to the damp and fibreglass. My ear was pounding…Sleep was near impossible so I chatted a while on Twitter whilst Chris got some shut eye. The wonderful ShoeGal007 chatted with me for a while and kept me sane. Twitter is such a lifesaver at times. As I’ve said before, it’s like a big social gathering of friends, colleagues and the Yellow pages! If you want to know something, then you just ask – or you can just chat away!

I got to sleep and shortly woke to go to work… but it didn’t take long to realise that that wasn’t going to happen. Admitting defeat I called in… I wasn’t happy.

A further call to Lloyds TSB and we found the next emergency plumber would be available after lunch, and not at 8am…. so I cancelled him. I had seen where the leak was, and knew it was a two minute job.

See…. It can’t get any worse….

We went out and brought a 12p washer…. and the job was done. All that was left was the wrecked ceiling, sodden storage boxes in the loft and the mouse poop….

WHAT? Mouse poop?

Yup… after the flood I noticed nibbled boxes in the loft space…. and clucters of mouse poop everywhere. Of we went to get mouse traps and sonic repellents to try and fix that problem…

No idea yet as to what the next move will be. We have insurance assessors due to look at the damaged ites, and surveyoys to check out the building itself, but then I don’t know…. I’ve never been here before!

I’ve never claimed any insurance before in my life until the last 3 weeks….. then house and car come along at once!

I’ll tell you what though – I’m not even going to hint at “Things can only get better…” because I’m sure some all seeing being will just take me up on that challenge….


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