Tag Archives: funny

Photo comments and bullshittery

I’ve noticed that many ‘social media’ comments are now being made with photos and memes rather than comments.

I’ve also noticed (because I’m not totally blind or stupid) that the number of hoax phishing and total bullshit posts are also on the increase.

From climate change deniers, people seeing Jesus in the wings of a moth or claiming this new diet is the only diet for you, or the stupid ‘YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED WHEN *insert AMAZING claim here*, to contrail conspiracists and people who believe the Daily Mail…

I have the photo comment that you can use to respond to it all. Feel free to use it!


Be quiet! What’s that smell?

A couple of old amusing anecdotes suddenly popped into my head today.

I was reading some tweets and saw someone state:

I have a sore neck. I think I slept funny.

Now it’s not funny… but it made my mind go off on a tangent…. so I posted a tweet saying:

I woke up with a painted face, wearing clown shoes, baggy trousers & a hat with pom-poms on. I think I slept funny.

Whilst in that daft mood I then posted:

Isn’t it lucky that an orange is orange  I mean, fancy the name matching the colour…..

That’s when it hit me…. the orange comment wasn’t as new as I thought. It was back when I was studying standardisation for my quality qualifications that I had heard something similar said in all seriousness….

Before standard measurements came along (very basic explanation coming up), people would buy a jug of beer in one pub, and it would be different amount of beer to a jug of beer in another (for example….) and it would cost a goat. No one knew really what the value of a goat was – or how much the beer cost per pint or litre… because there were no units to measure anything.

You couldn’t write a cook book and expect people to get the same results, as a pinch of this, a spoon of that, meant nothing – people had different spoons and different size pinches… You try to explain to someone how to make a cake WITHOUT referring to measurements…. and that includes TIME… Hell, try to tell someone how long a film lasts WITHOUT using time…

Eventually measurements standardised (although we still have duplicate measurements – metres/yards etc – but we at least know what a yard or metre is where ever we are in the world). The SI system (metric) was introduced – Within this you get your metres, seconds, kilograms etc.

Each measurement had to have come from somewhere, and very simply put, a kilogram was defined as the weight of 1 litre of water.

On being told this, one of the guys in the class earnestly said :

How did they know that 1 litre of water would weight a kilogram?

It was one of those times when, no matter how you explained it, the guy already had the thought locked in his head and it was near impossible to explain: There was NO kilogram… then someone weighed 1 litre of water and said “From this point on, this will be a kilogram“… to which he responded… “Yes, but how did they know it would be a kilogram…?“.

We all tried to explain again – that one day there was no kilogram, and then they weighed a litre of water and said that it would be a kilogram…

He looked like he’d got it that time… until he said: “It was a bit lucky that the litre weighed a kilogram then….

Great guy – and we’ve all been there. It’s a bit like the picture of the old lady/young girl. Once you have the idea in your head that it is the old lady, it’s hard to see it any other way…

The same guy made another classic ‘logic brain freeze’ comment during the time we were studying the statistical side of quality management when we had to work with algebra.

Algebra scares people – but they use it everyday without being aware they are doing it.

If you didn’t know, algebra is (very basically) where numbers are substituted by letters to help solve problems. You do it all the time without realising it – like calculating shopping lists, figuring out how long a car journey will take, etc.

A very common bit of algebra is used for telling you the fuel economy of a car – MPG (miles per gallon).

If you do 50 miles for each gallon of fuel, then you can pretty easily figure out that for 10 gallons you could go 500 miles… that’s simple algebra…. 50miles/1gallon = 500miles/10gallons.

Anyway, this guy had managed to get through life without realising what algebra was, or that he did it anyway without realising it. I explained it briefly to him as he really needed to know it for the subject we were doing.

To help, I gave him a quick example to work out:

“What is A if A+3 =5?”

Straight away it clicked with him. “Oh yeah! A is 2… I see what you mean!

Fantastic… that was easy.

Next thing you know and the instructor was writing up a huge formula on the board. Loads of numbers and letters to solve and find out the answer to some statistical analysis.

The board was covered with X,Y, Z’s and A,B,C’s along with a multitude of numbers. This was going to take some solving…

As the instructor finally finished making the board more white than black, he turned and smugly said…”You have 45 minutes left of the lesson today, so solve this and you can knock of early… ha ha ha….”

In a flash, my newly trained algebraic mate threw his hand up with a massive smile on his face…

“A is 2…….”

The instructor looked at him and asked what on earth he was on about (he was so far wrong it was laughable…).

“A… it’s 2……..Lucas told me…”

Okay…. maybe he needed more work…..


Alex’s 3rd Birthday – A Mini Adventure

Alex 3rd Birthday – A Mini Adventure

Alex loves cars – A LOT. He really loves Mini’s at the moment above all else, so for his Birthday I bought him a 1/64th scale slot car track…. 4 hours in and he hadn’t given it a break…

Even by bed time he was still up for car based fun…. and the fun just got better when the cake was bought out…

Alex’s Mini Birthday Cake

Alex was so happy at the cake the Chris made, and the great day he had, he just kept saying “Thank you Mummy, Thank you Daddy” over and over again.

It was really touching,

This was the first “proper” decorated cake Chis  had made. It is doubtful that it will be eaten, as Alex doesn’t want to see it cut – and after all, it is his cake.

Alex really enjoyed his day – He had gifts from all of the family – and visits from His Grand Parents and Uncle Dan (who had a lip piercing which had Alex saying  – “Take out screw in face“…)

He ended up tired but really happy.

Why Men don’t write advice columns

I was sent this by a good friend of mine and I had to share it! Many thanks Irosh Peiris!

Why Men Don’t Write Advice Columns

Walter’s Agony Column.

Dear Walter,

I  hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual.  I hadn’t driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.  I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter.  I’m 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbours daughter is 22.

We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.  He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant.  He won’t go to counselling and I’m afraid I can’t get through to him any more.

Can you please help?



Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused  by a variety of faults with the engine.  Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.  If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could  be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Hugh Dennis – Very funny, now move along.

Okay – just a little rant. A very little one, but I need to get it off of my chest.

It is neither topical or relevant, but as I watch TV it just needs to be said (well, I need to say it!)

Hugh Dennis is a very funny man – I grant him that, but there is one thing that over time has gradually wound me up about him.

Mock The Week” is the most obvious place to see this one thing…

When the game comes up where each of the four contestants each have to take a moment at the mic, Hugh Dennis becomes irritating – no offence Hugh.

He is often the funniest person when he says his bit, but the irritation then smacks in rapidly, as after he has made his quip, he just stands there, soaking in the camera and applause like some egotistic arse.

See the image above…. it’s actually a YouTube clip of “Mock the Week” just after Hugh Dennis has told a joke… Yes – really…it’s playing as you watch it…

I know there is comedy timing – but he just stands there a little too long after the joke has been made. It happens on a lot of things he is in – he just says a line and then mugs for the camera. “Mock the Week” simply highlights this as the stand up quick fire round sees Hugh Dennis repeatedly walking to the mic, spilling out comedy gold, and then standing for an eternity, gurning at the camera.

Hugh – you don’t need to do this – you’re a funny man. I love your TV and radio work – The Now Show  is one of the greatest radio shows out – but this trait is so damned annoying!!!! I anticipate your humorous wordage…. I then laugh out loud as you delivery the lines… and then I cringe (as you would when a relation does something embarrassing at a social gathering) as you gurn and hold the mic as if it is the last time you’ll ever get the chance.

You’d never see a velociraptor hang around gurning…

Oh Lord! Not Monday AGAIN?!

You know the feeling….

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